Thursday, December 02, 2004

Be Boss or Be Bossed

There once was this smart crow, well renowned throughout the jungle for being an absolute lazy bum. He did nothing but sit on top of a tree and watch life pass by. A rabbit who aspired to do something similar approached the crow and sought advice. Though the crow was amused by a bunny looking up to him as a role model, he in all earnestness asked the rabbit to follow his lead. “Just sit like me the whole day and do nothing but watch things happen around” said the bird. The rabbit did the same, but only to quickly catch the attention of a fox passing by, who devoured the poor thing and thanked fate for giving him a free meal. Now Aesop and the Panchatantra could extract quite a few morals from this story. But modern day life preaches just one moral – ‘If you want to work in an organization and do nothing the whole day, you better be at the top’. This is one story I say with great zeal whenever I’m in a mood to ridicule my boss. It’s just not me. I see this happening everywhere. Making fun of our bosses is turning out to be our favorite past time at work. We just love doing it.

So why this huge discrimination against the Boss? Is the Boss really that mean a person? Well, we all know that the answer is a big no.
The Boss is just another person among us, but having reached wherever he has due to those additional few fate lines on his forehead.
The Boss is just like any of us afflicted with problems, but empowered with the liberty to call for extensive meetings and brainstorming sessions to make others get solutions to his problems.
The Boss is just another ordinary mortal prone to making mistakes, but bound to blame circumstances or somebody else for these mistakes.
The Boss is just like any one of us, having the need to do some serious work once in a while, but with the power to get his work done by somebody else.
The Boss is just another individual who would advice people to experiment and innovate at work, but would make life hell if the attempted experiment were to fail.
The Boss is after all the Boss. There’s always a different set of rules for him. But do all these shortcomings make the Boss a less important person? No way!!! Without him, there would be no motivation for us to get up the ladder and inflict the same torture we had suffered, onto people working below us.

It’s generally said that there are only two definite ways of getting to the top. Either play golf with the Boss or marry the Boss’s daughter. But for the millions like us where one option is closed and the other option is too expensive, there’s only one way. SLOGGING your ass off. And quite unfortunately that is the most difficult path possible. So how do we ensure we are that someone different, who can get ahead of all our equally good competitors. The secret lies in the way we work with the Boss. Working with the Boss is something that is hardly taught to anyone. Infact nobody even cares to believe that we need to work differently with them. We come across terms such as Client relations, Customer relations, Vendor relations and Employee relations but what about Boss relations. Don’t we have to learn how to work with the Boss? After all, the Boss is the one deciding who among you and your lousy colleagues get that all important Business Project. The Boss is the one deciding who would go on that dream on-job training trip abroad. The Boss is the one deciding how much fatter your wallet can become after your appraisal. And most importantly the Boss is the one signing that crucial paper, which dictates if you would move into a bigger cabin or stay in that same old seat for another year. So make no mistakes, you need to keep your Boss in all the right books. And how would you do it???

Here are a few tested methods of ensuring good Boss Relations.

1.Call for meetings:
Meetings are surely the best form of stress relievers. During a meeting you get to meet people, draw stupid charts on the board, make an equally stupid presentation, get others to give solutions to your problems and most importantly have free coffee and biscuits. All this during company time!!!! The Boss always does it, so why not you. Just make sure the he is aware that it was ‘you’ who called for the meeting. Avoid including the Boss, but ensure he feels that he was left out because you value his precious time and did not want him to waste it on something you could handle yourself. So the next time, you feel lonely or not in a mood to make certain decisions yourself, send a mail to all the department heads (copy the boss on it) calling them for a meeting. Do this a couple of times and you would see your scores racing up in the Boss’ books.

2.Put in more hours than your Boss:
There generally are two kinds of Bosses. The one, who works lesser than you and claims credit for having everything still in control. And the other who works more than you, leaving you puzzled, as to what he actually does in his cabin throughout the day. Regardless of what kind of a boss you have, one way to get noticed is to work more than him and make sure he is aware of this fact. The secret lies in knowing his work style and timings. Once you know it, make sure you get into your seat 5 minutes before his schedule. And ensure you leave the office not before 5 minutes since he leaves. But this alone does not help. You need to keep reminding him atleast once a day that you have been spending long hours at work. Some good statements to use would be –
“Sir, since I’m anyways spending 18 hours at office, you should probably let me move into an unused room in the basement”.
“Sir, my girl friends says I probably have an affair at office. I rarely go out of the office these days”.
“Sir, I have decided to stay at home this Sunday. It’s been ages since I spent more than a couple of hours at home”.
“Sir, I have lost a lot of weight. With all this work that I’m doing, I rarely get time to eat anything”.
Keep doing this for sometime and the Boss might just start feeling guilty that he is doing only 10% of work.

3.Play busy
It’s very important for your Boss to feel that you are always doing some thing productive. The most common paradox is that your Boss always takes a break when you do. He sees you in the cafeteria and thinks “Hey I always find this guy in the cafeteria. I guess he is not loaded with enough work”. But on the other hand, if you make sure you time your break well and go to the cafeteria when he is in his seat, then the other extreme happens. He suddenly feels your need and tries to contact you. On knowing that you have gone for a break, he decides “Hey this guy is never around whenever I need him. He is always in the cafeteria taking a break”. So it’s very important to make yourself appear busy. Here are a few simple situations you can create at work, to ensure your Boss thinks you are the Super-Productive Dude.

Situation 1
Sit in front of your PC with an Excel sheet on it. Fill it up with random numbers. If you can’t think of enough numbers to fill the sheet with, use the random function available with excel. To make the screen look better you can even generate a variety of graphs and put it all up. The next time you see the Boss approaching you; just keep staring at the screen. The Boss would think that a great analytical mind is at work and would go back to his seat.

Situation 2
If you have a printer next to your PC, get it moved away as far as possible. Run up and down to the printer atleast once an hour. Plan your route in such a way that you run right in front of the Boss’ cabin and he notices you running around. To enhance the effect, you could hold a lot of papers (even if they are blank) and appear to be seriously reading them when you are moving about.

Situation 3
Whenever you are in a mood to gossip with your boys, just do it in a corner of the production floor, where the Boss can see you guys huddled together.
Super productive dude (SPD): “Hey Macha, who did you say that the chinki girl was going around with, these days”.
The boss seeing you in a group and thinking you are just whiling time comes to you.
Boss: “SPD, if you are not doing anything urgent, can we sit for a couple of minutes”.
SPD: “Sir could you give me some time. I was just having an informal meeting with these guys and checking their strategy to implement some of the best practices we have had during the last few production cycles”
Boss: “oh yes! certainly. You can take your time. Mine was not anything serious.
The Boss leaves deciding to never again interrupt any of your informal meetings.
SPD: “So Macha, which guy did you say.....”

Situation 4
Whenever you need to call home, just hold a piece of paper with some excel-generated graphs on it. Stare at this sheet with a very serious expression on you face.
SPD: “Hey Mom, how is uncle’s fever. Has the temperature come down”.
Suddenly the boss comes in.
Boss: “SPD, can I have a word with you on the last week’s performance”
SPD (as serious as ever): “Sir, I was just speaking to this client on how we could mutually ensure that there is a lot more transparency in the reporting structure that we currently follow. I’m sure with whatever I have suggested the net revenue realization would increase by atleast 20%. This would mean more profits. I’m trying to drive this point into him. If you can give me 10 minutes I will finish the call and join you”.
Boss (looking completely dazed): No, No! It’s OK. Please take your time and finish the call. We can have our chat some other time.
The Boss leaves wondering what was just told.
SPD: “So Mom, you were saying.....”

Appear Busy for a few weeks and the Boss will ask HR to do anything it takes, to keep you in the system.

4.Play with emotions
Though it’s not very masculine to cry in front of people, crying in front of your Boss might just help. Similarly sending emotional messages to your Boss and later claiming that you were drunk and didn’t remember doing anything also makes a good impact. Send text messages to the Boss saying, “Sir I value everything you have taught me all these days”, “ Sir I consider you as my god-father in this profession”, “Sir I could have never reached wherever I have without you”. The next day go up to him and say, “Sir, last night I remember sending you some messages, but I was completely drunk and don’t remember what the messages were. Please forgive me if I have done anything foolish” Also cry silently, if possible..... The Boss will just smile and fall head over heals for your innocence. Thank him for understanding you this well and get back to your seat. Just make sure the bottle of glycerin in your pocket is hidden well.....

5.Make friends with the HR boss
This one is the most effective technique. The HR boss is the second most important person after your own boss. Most Bosses consult the HR to make certain decisions on who goes ‘up’ fast and ‘out’ even faster. Whether the HR actually spends quality time with an employee or not, it is believed and required that they know every employee of the organization on a personal level. And any inputs given by the HR to the Boss, adds a lot of weight on your personal profile. So take initiative, go to HR, spend time socializing with them and occasionally take the HR boss out for coffee. Keep doing this regularly and even before you realize, you might just get that promotion that somebody else deserved.

These are just some of the techniques that could give you that all important push up the ladder. Master these techniques well and very soon you will see the Boss going up to the HR, canceling the manpower indent for a Vice-President, and discussing your name for an out of turn promotion with the directors.

Another infamously funny story about Bosses goes this way; corporate life is just like a tree full of monkeys. The monkey on top looks down and sees loads of monkeys struggling to climb up, while the monkey at the bottom looks up and sees a lot of ass holes. The story sounds true both in the figurative and literary sense. But then ass hole or not, I’m sure it’s certainly a lot more fun on the top. So let’s give a damn to these story tellers and ensure our ass is on top of somebody else’s head, than vice-versa.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

This stuff so so actual which takes place in any organisation. But one thing which i like to point out is that doing something what you have not done and getting the credit for that is not at all acceptable. Thats why im not a MANAGER now.(:

BRILLIANT MATERIAL. SHARATH

BENHUR

Anonymous said...

CHECK THE THIRD LINE AND THE THIRD LAST WORD IN IT.THERE IS A GRAMMATICAL MISTAKE.FINALLY!!!!!!!!I FOUND A MISTAKE IN THE BOSS'S BLOG.
TOO LENGTHY TO RETAIN READERS INTEREST..AT LEAST MINE!!!

COMMENT-2(ANONYMOUS)
I SUPPORT !!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hi Sharath,

It's been long time I wanted to post my comments/feedback. I know how much it matters to a writer, especially the one like you who has ventured into blogging.

Congratulations for a good start! Secondly, you have selected a noble occupation.

Positives first – having run through all your posts, I noticed your skills in identifying topics and formulating a story, articulating your thoughts, synergizing facts with correlations and pertinent analogies, appropriate humour, precise vocabulary, general knowledge (history, politics, geography, industry, economy, lifestyle, etc.), ability to maintain neutrality like a seasoned journalist, mixture of traditional and contemporary style of writing, good flow and continuity from start to end.

However, though not negatives, the presentation could be improved. Change background colour (no chromatology though) and text font to help better reading. Make smaller paragraphs, avoid using too many ?s, !s (like ???, !!!), shun repetition of characters (as in 'Nooooo Waaaay'), use only 3 ellipses (...). After all, well dressed and polished man stands out among the rest.

Last but not least... I can foresee a wonderful writer in the making. Down a few decades, when you become a popular writer, I can tell my future generations "Sharath was my colleague and know him personally".

Good luck to a great future!

- eCommonMan

Anonymous said...

Sharathu………Your article "Be Boss or Be Bossed" is simply excellent. U write so well……….I enjoyed reading this article. Laughed my hat off……… :-) :-)

A Silent observer with a calm sense of humor ……& it talks in the way you write. Good piece of work!!!!

….. hmmmm we’re where methods don’t work no matter what ;) well One option left though …..gonna write to Santa this Christmas for a BIG bottle of glycerin. I’m sure there’re others who have given this a thought;!!!

HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Anonymous said...

Too good !!!! It reminds me of my boss.....i can relate atleast 90% to my boss!!!

One suggestion though you also need to cry in front of your boss, else your colleagues will become VPs....

Anonymous said...

Hey Sharath, your best work so far. Great to see you evolve into a good writer.

Anonymous said...

Hey Sharath, Sound very true, a similar experience I had my way UP - Nadeem

Anonymous said...

Is this an Autobiogrophy???? (Mein Kempf) Anyways, good job with a good sense of humour...I wouldn't go to an extent of comparing this sytle with R.K.Narayan's but getting there.
Keep it going! What's life without humour. And thank you for those useful tips...should try it now i suppose.

Fuhrer.

Anonymous said...

Is this an Autobiogrophy???? (Mein Kempf) Anyways, good job with a good sense of humour...I wouldn't go to an extent of comparing this sytle with R.K.Narayan's but getting there.
Keep it going! What's life without humour. And thank you for those useful tips...should try it now i suppose.

Fuhrer.

Anonymous said...

Sharath,

That was one hell of an information for me. All these days I was wondering how to get on top. I am an equally responsible professional who wants to get on to the top of the tree without having to pass by the down looking assholes.....

Here's what I learnt from your blog-

1. The time spent in office (Productive) is inversly proportional to the pay package.

2. Befriending the HR is like working for the Police dept. During a riot, the most sincere officers get deployed to the most notorious localities.

3. Crying is blackmailing.

4. Carry your "own" coffee and biscuits into an official meeting.

5. You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an asshole. (Conditions Apply)

Happy Christmas and a Very Happy New Year in advance.

So Long,
Philip Mitchell

Anonymous said...

Well, the comment took a long time coming but it did come, nevertheless - like they say, better late than never.
The reason for the late posting??
Was trying to experiment with "a few tested methods of ensuring good Boss Relations" to see which would work best for me;)
Jokes apart, this one is the best so far, Sharath !! The vivid writing style had me in splits all through :)
A really goood one dude, when's the next one coming??

Anonymous said...

Damn good - Dude!!!

All this is so true...i can relate the whole story to two people in our organization .....keep guessing who two.


You have learnt the tricks of the corporate world.But because its in a print u can forget about any more promotions and salary hike....ha..ha..ha............

Had fun throughout reading this as I could relate to each line in the blog.

Anonymous said...

Heay Sharath,

Thats great thinking.

Was this all in u'r way to become a manager???

Ha Ha Ha Ha !!!!!!

Thats the way the present world is. But u mentioned that meeting time is a stress relivers why do you find it so ??? It should'nt be so right ???

Making friend's or keeping good relation with HR is what i strongly agree. (not for appraisal but ........)

Keep this going on and see something more good to come in future.

Anonymous said...

Avi: A "true" writer is he who belives that his experiences and beliefs in life is far more usefull to others and express it in any form of writing....
Here is mine reading it...keep it going!!! till there is no words to express your work anymore!!!!

Anonymous said...

simply amazing, coming from a boss himself! cant help but wonder, how much of it actually helped u in ur growth ;)
most of what i want to tell, has been told by others!
whether meetings releive our stress or not, certainly ur blog does. :))
keep blogging!
hema

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Hi Shar h Chandra, I am enjoying some idle time and looking to see what People Helping People will bring up. Be Boss or Be Bossed is certainly interesting and informative. People Helping People is a good word to bring into the conversation. Great post. Enjoy your day!

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Anonymous said...

Hi Sharath,I always knew that you had a cheeky sense of humor."Be Bossed.." comes as no surprise. I enjoyed every bit of your style of writing, though personally I wouldn't have used certain (ass)words, making it cleaner humor(though it is a common practice now a days.) Overall, you made me chuckle a lot to myself. But sadly, the tips are from my boss, which makes them redundant! Keep blogging, you are good! Neelima