Amazing Steffi

Dreams Infinite.....

Only recently did I realize that there was nothing heavier to carry, than the burden of expectations. And this happened after ‘The Boss’ blog was published. Okay, I’m not comparing myself to a Sachin Tendulkar who carries on his already damaged back the expectations of a billion cricket crazy fanatics. But then a small set of readers who did read the blog, ended up asking the question “When are you posting the next one”. Trust me, when somebody asks this question the feeling is nothing short of ‘Ecstasy’. But what it also causes is ‘Fear’ – the fear of failing to meet the set expectations – the fear of failing to do something as good as the last one – the fear of being a total failure the next time around. This was definitely one of the reasons for the absolute absence of any activity on the blog. But after a hiatus of over two months, I should say better sense has prevailed and I have finally decided to see for myself, what more ramblings I could come up with.

Very recently I read an interesting write-up about somebody’s tryst with different professions and how his eventual career path turned out to be. Apart from being interesting, it got me to retrace my own path. To think about it, mine definitely has been the least conventional. In fact it has been a roller coaster of fantasies. I have always been an uncontrollable and unstoppable dreamer. And most times than not, my dreams have very closely flirted with Insanity.

It must have all started when I was around the age of 6. My mom, for the first time took me to a bank and the fascination was instant – loads of people came to the bank and gave all their money to one person sitting behind a counter. Now why would I want to do anything else when there was this great option right in front of me? Instantly I knew that I wanted to work in a Bank. Even today I vividly remember dreaming – “after a hard day’s work at the bank, I used to collect the few sacks of currency and carry them back home, to stock it in a large iron vault, that I had built in my palatial house”. Shortly later, I decided that the best thing to do was to become like my own Dad. He was into the Construction Business and I had often seen him distribute lots of cash to his employees every Saturday. Now that made a lot of sense; wasn’t the Man who gave away cash, richer than the man who collected them. So my dad was definitely richer than the man in the bank – after all, my Dad always gave money and never had to take any. So the next few years were filled with dreams of becoming a businessman - until a simple class test forced me to rethink my decision. There was a question that was asked in one of the class test – “What is your Father’s Profession?” That must have been the most difficult question I had ever faced in my life. Not because I didn’t know the answer to the question, but because I didn’t know the spelling of ‘BUSINESS’. After jotting down all possible options, I finally decided to go the easier route and wrote just 4 letters - “MICO”. I had a lot of classmates with fathers working in MICO and nobody suspected the validity of my answer. The teacher suspected no foul play and eventually I passed the test. That day I decided that I wouldn’t put my kids through the same struggle – not knowing how to spell your father’s profession was quite a problem indeed. So for some time after that, I dreamt of a possible adult life as an employee of MICO.

Towards my higher primary school, a huge renaissance in my approach took place. Thanks to all the physics lessons in school, I suddenly wanted to become a Scientist. I dreamt about my photograph appearing in all the Physics Text Books and children being taught about the inventions of this world famous Indian scientist. Then one friend did me a huge favour by letting out a great truth – “Sharath, they have already invented everything in this world, so how can you become a scientist now”? My life felt shattered. There didn’t seem to be any more purpose in my life. I remember the next few days of my life being all dark and gloomy.

They say kids become a lot more logical as they grow up – but in my case it was vice-versa. I reached high school with this huge dream of becoming a ‘Super-Hero’. Not the kind that wears their underwear over the pants!!! I was this smooth talking, smartly dressed, very polished, super hero who bashed up all the bad guys and always managed to save the ‘Damsel in Distress’. I had thought it all – I used to wear only suits – Drive around in a sleek Contessa Classic (guys, Contessa was the best we had a few years ago) - Had all the girls swooning over me – I carried a ‘Silver Revolver’ in my shoulder holster (you read it right, it was a ‘Silver Gun’) – and most importantly I had a written authorization from the President of India, to use my Gun wherever, whenever and against whoever I wanted (amidst all this insanity I had still been logical enough to think about getting a permission from the president). The superlative Inferiority complex that I carried throughout my early teens actually pulled me deeper into the realms of this fantasy. Most of my dreams could have become good Bollywood scripts - “One fine day, I get a distress call on my Car Radio Phone (Mobile phones were still unknown then, but my ‘Contessa’ had a custom made Radio that could get distress calls from the helpless). My own school had suddenly been attacked by hundreds of gun wielding militants. These long haired, bearded scums were holding the school and all the children to ransom. Their demand – “give Bangalore to Pakistan or they kill all the teachers and children”. Though I had very little sympathy for the teachers, being the Super Hero I was, I immediately rush to the school. The government is already contemplating on giving Bangalore away to Pakistan and I have very little time to do anything. But then after an hour of extreme action, involving – “being air dropped onto the school terrace, life threatening physical combat with the militants, some accurate gunfire and ultimately killing the kingpin” - I finally save the school, the kids, the teachers and Bangalore from being given to Pakistan. ‘Super Hero Sharath’ once again to the rescue”!!! This was one dream that was replayed a thousand times, each time a little more refined than the previous one.

College days began and ended more with Fiction thrillers, than Physics and Chemistry. Sidney Sheldon, James Hardley Chase, Jeffrey Archer and Robin cook provided enough inspiration to look beyond a life as a doctor or an Engineer. They also gave me enough confidence that my dreams were indeed realistic. After all if the heroes in their novels could do it, so could I. So each time I read a book, I wanted to be whatever the central character of that book did. I dreamt of become a ‘Hotelier’ (after reading ‘Kane and Abel’), a ‘Newspaper Baron’ (after reading the ‘Fourth Estate’), a ‘Construction Magnate’ (after reading ‘When the stars shine down’)..... Life and dreams revolved around these bestsellers.

My Engineering life brought in a very realistic approach into my life. The 18 to 20 hours of activity that went into each day took a huge toll. I no longer had time to fantasize. All I dreamt about was getting through the Campus Recruitment and being placed in a good company. However there used to be those rapid, short term dreams, each associated with a new recruiter coming to campus. When there was an announcement that a Pune based company was coming in for recruitment, the next few days were spent dreaming about a life in Pune. This way, even before facing a single Interview, I had already lived a couple of days each at, Daewoo Motors - New Delhi, Crompton Greaves – Nashik, Mahindra Motors – Pune, L& T – Mysore.....

My first professional job was a dream in itself; but one that I had not dreamt about. Much to the envy of the rest of the class, 3 of us got into the ‘World’s Number One Manufacturer of Robots & CNCs’. The pay was quite envious too. However this phase didn’t last long. Inspite of warnings from almost everyone I knew, I quit. My dreams were now of becoming an overnight Millionaire. Thus started an year and a half of hysterically maddening tribulations. The only thing I dreamt during this period was to become Super-Rich before I turned 30. I must have tried the strangest of ways to make money during this period. Eventually I got out of my own self inflicted torments to do saner things in life.

In between all these madness there were times when I wanted to be the next Milind Soman. Sometimes modeling was replaced by the desire to become the next Sunny Deol. And other times, it was the next Mathew Hayden. But it didn’t take me long to realize that it needed a lot more than just dreams to do all that and eventually settled down comfortably with I’m doing today.

‘Old habits die hard’ and I’m back to dreaming once again. This time it is to become a Best Selling writer. For someone who had not written anything worthwhile until ‘The Blog’ happened – it certainly is far away from realism. But then the very fact, that all of you have managed to read my Blogs and still remain sane, is no less a motivation. Whether it happens or not ‘Sharath Chandra the writer’ certainly sounds good (and I bet would look good too). Probably a few years later I would dismiss this as just another one of my unfeasible dreams. Nevertheless my Dreams would continue to remain Infinite.....

Be Boss or Be Bossed

There once was this smart crow, well renowned throughout the jungle for being an absolute lazy bum. He did nothing but sit on top of a tree and watch life pass by. A rabbit who aspired to do something similar approached the crow and sought advice. Though the crow was amused by a bunny looking up to him as a role model, he in all earnestness asked the rabbit to follow his lead. “Just sit like me the whole day and do nothing but watch things happen around” said the bird. The rabbit did the same, but only to quickly catch the attention of a fox passing by, who devoured the poor thing and thanked fate for giving him a free meal. Now Aesop and the Panchatantra could extract quite a few morals from this story. But modern day life preaches just one moral – ‘If you want to work in an organization and do nothing the whole day, you better be at the top’. This is one story I say with great zeal whenever I’m in a mood to ridicule my boss. It’s just not me. I see this happening everywhere. Making fun of our bosses is turning out to be our favorite past time at work. We just love doing it.

So why this huge discrimination against the Boss? Is the Boss really that mean a person? Well, we all know that the answer is a big no.
The Boss is just another person among us, but having reached wherever he has due to those additional few fate lines on his forehead.
The Boss is just like any of us afflicted with problems, but empowered with the liberty to call for extensive meetings and brainstorming sessions to make others get solutions to his problems.
The Boss is just another ordinary mortal prone to making mistakes, but bound to blame circumstances or somebody else for these mistakes.
The Boss is just like any one of us, having the need to do some serious work once in a while, but with the power to get his work done by somebody else.
The Boss is just another individual who would advice people to experiment and innovate at work, but would make life hell if the attempted experiment were to fail.
The Boss is after all the Boss. There’s always a different set of rules for him. But do all these shortcomings make the Boss a less important person? No way!!! Without him, there would be no motivation for us to get up the ladder and inflict the same torture we had suffered, onto people working below us.

It’s generally said that there are only two definite ways of getting to the top. Either play golf with the Boss or marry the Boss’s daughter. But for the millions like us where one option is closed and the other option is too expensive, there’s only one way. SLOGGING your ass off. And quite unfortunately that is the most difficult path possible. So how do we ensure we are that someone different, who can get ahead of all our equally good competitors. The secret lies in the way we work with the Boss. Working with the Boss is something that is hardly taught to anyone. Infact nobody even cares to believe that we need to work differently with them. We come across terms such as Client relations, Customer relations, Vendor relations and Employee relations but what about Boss relations. Don’t we have to learn how to work with the Boss? After all, the Boss is the one deciding who among you and your lousy colleagues get that all important Business Project. The Boss is the one deciding who would go on that dream on-job training trip abroad. The Boss is the one deciding how much fatter your wallet can become after your appraisal. And most importantly the Boss is the one signing that crucial paper, which dictates if you would move into a bigger cabin or stay in that same old seat for another year. So make no mistakes, you need to keep your Boss in all the right books. And how would you do it???

Here are a few tested methods of ensuring good Boss Relations.

1.Call for meetings:
Meetings are surely the best form of stress relievers. During a meeting you get to meet people, draw stupid charts on the board, make an equally stupid presentation, get others to give solutions to your problems and most importantly have free coffee and biscuits. All this during company time!!!! The Boss always does it, so why not you. Just make sure the he is aware that it was ‘you’ who called for the meeting. Avoid including the Boss, but ensure he feels that he was left out because you value his precious time and did not want him to waste it on something you could handle yourself. So the next time, you feel lonely or not in a mood to make certain decisions yourself, send a mail to all the department heads (copy the boss on it) calling them for a meeting. Do this a couple of times and you would see your scores racing up in the Boss’ books.

2.Put in more hours than your Boss:
There generally are two kinds of Bosses. The one, who works lesser than you and claims credit for having everything still in control. And the other who works more than you, leaving you puzzled, as to what he actually does in his cabin throughout the day. Regardless of what kind of a boss you have, one way to get noticed is to work more than him and make sure he is aware of this fact. The secret lies in knowing his work style and timings. Once you know it, make sure you get into your seat 5 minutes before his schedule. And ensure you leave the office not before 5 minutes since he leaves. But this alone does not help. You need to keep reminding him atleast once a day that you have been spending long hours at work. Some good statements to use would be –
“Sir, since I’m anyways spending 18 hours at office, you should probably let me move into an unused room in the basement”.
“Sir, my girl friends says I probably have an affair at office. I rarely go out of the office these days”.
“Sir, I have decided to stay at home this Sunday. It’s been ages since I spent more than a couple of hours at home”.
“Sir, I have lost a lot of weight. With all this work that I’m doing, I rarely get time to eat anything”.
Keep doing this for sometime and the Boss might just start feeling guilty that he is doing only 10% of work.

3.Play busy
It’s very important for your Boss to feel that you are always doing some thing productive. The most common paradox is that your Boss always takes a break when you do. He sees you in the cafeteria and thinks “Hey I always find this guy in the cafeteria. I guess he is not loaded with enough work”. But on the other hand, if you make sure you time your break well and go to the cafeteria when he is in his seat, then the other extreme happens. He suddenly feels your need and tries to contact you. On knowing that you have gone for a break, he decides “Hey this guy is never around whenever I need him. He is always in the cafeteria taking a break”. So it’s very important to make yourself appear busy. Here are a few simple situations you can create at work, to ensure your Boss thinks you are the Super-Productive Dude.

Situation 1
Sit in front of your PC with an Excel sheet on it. Fill it up with random numbers. If you can’t think of enough numbers to fill the sheet with, use the random function available with excel. To make the screen look better you can even generate a variety of graphs and put it all up. The next time you see the Boss approaching you; just keep staring at the screen. The Boss would think that a great analytical mind is at work and would go back to his seat.

Situation 2
If you have a printer next to your PC, get it moved away as far as possible. Run up and down to the printer atleast once an hour. Plan your route in such a way that you run right in front of the Boss’ cabin and he notices you running around. To enhance the effect, you could hold a lot of papers (even if they are blank) and appear to be seriously reading them when you are moving about.

Situation 3
Whenever you are in a mood to gossip with your boys, just do it in a corner of the production floor, where the Boss can see you guys huddled together.
Super productive dude (SPD): “Hey Macha, who did you say that the chinki girl was going around with, these days”.
The boss seeing you in a group and thinking you are just whiling time comes to you.
Boss: “SPD, if you are not doing anything urgent, can we sit for a couple of minutes”.
SPD: “Sir could you give me some time. I was just having an informal meeting with these guys and checking their strategy to implement some of the best practices we have had during the last few production cycles”
Boss: “oh yes! certainly. You can take your time. Mine was not anything serious.
The Boss leaves deciding to never again interrupt any of your informal meetings.
SPD: “So Macha, which guy did you say.....”

Situation 4
Whenever you need to call home, just hold a piece of paper with some excel-generated graphs on it. Stare at this sheet with a very serious expression on you face.
SPD: “Hey Mom, how is uncle’s fever. Has the temperature come down”.
Suddenly the boss comes in.
Boss: “SPD, can I have a word with you on the last week’s performance”
SPD (as serious as ever): “Sir, I was just speaking to this client on how we could mutually ensure that there is a lot more transparency in the reporting structure that we currently follow. I’m sure with whatever I have suggested the net revenue realization would increase by atleast 20%. This would mean more profits. I’m trying to drive this point into him. If you can give me 10 minutes I will finish the call and join you”.
Boss (looking completely dazed): No, No! It’s OK. Please take your time and finish the call. We can have our chat some other time.
The Boss leaves wondering what was just told.
SPD: “So Mom, you were saying.....”

Appear Busy for a few weeks and the Boss will ask HR to do anything it takes, to keep you in the system.

4.Play with emotions
Though it’s not very masculine to cry in front of people, crying in front of your Boss might just help. Similarly sending emotional messages to your Boss and later claiming that you were drunk and didn’t remember doing anything also makes a good impact. Send text messages to the Boss saying, “Sir I value everything you have taught me all these days”, “ Sir I consider you as my god-father in this profession”, “Sir I could have never reached wherever I have without you”. The next day go up to him and say, “Sir, last night I remember sending you some messages, but I was completely drunk and don’t remember what the messages were. Please forgive me if I have done anything foolish” Also cry silently, if possible..... The Boss will just smile and fall head over heals for your innocence. Thank him for understanding you this well and get back to your seat. Just make sure the bottle of glycerin in your pocket is hidden well.....

5.Make friends with the HR boss
This one is the most effective technique. The HR boss is the second most important person after your own boss. Most Bosses consult the HR to make certain decisions on who goes ‘up’ fast and ‘out’ even faster. Whether the HR actually spends quality time with an employee or not, it is believed and required that they know every employee of the organization on a personal level. And any inputs given by the HR to the Boss, adds a lot of weight on your personal profile. So take initiative, go to HR, spend time socializing with them and occasionally take the HR boss out for coffee. Keep doing this regularly and even before you realize, you might just get that promotion that somebody else deserved.

These are just some of the techniques that could give you that all important push up the ladder. Master these techniques well and very soon you will see the Boss going up to the HR, canceling the manpower indent for a Vice-President, and discussing your name for an out of turn promotion with the directors.

Another infamously funny story about Bosses goes this way; corporate life is just like a tree full of monkeys. The monkey on top looks down and sees loads of monkeys struggling to climb up, while the monkey at the bottom looks up and sees a lot of ass holes. The story sounds true both in the figurative and literary sense. But then ass hole or not, I’m sure it’s certainly a lot more fun on the top. So let’s give a damn to these story tellers and ensure our ass is on top of somebody else’s head, than vice-versa.

Father’s Kid or Appa’s Baby

It was the most amazing Thursday Poovathurkaddavil Baby Philips’ had experienced in his forty years of life, at his hilly home town in north-east Kerala. The fact that the RSS – UDF clash in the nearby town of Kannur had left 40 dead did nothing to diminish the bliss. He had just become a proud father and though his ever dutiful wife had borne him 3 other children, this one was certainly different – it was a girl this time. Finding a name for the child took lesser time than lighting a candle at the chapel. With the first three children being named Vincent, Vinton and Vindy, it was a foregone conclusion that the next one would be named Vinny. Though the preferred sex of the arriving one was definitely girl, having a name like Vinny would have helped anyways, even if God had decided to postpone a girl till the next time. The fact that children found their names not the least bit preposterous was more due to the fact that their mates at school had more ridiculous names. In school there already were three siblings Biju, Miju and Siju. There was even a pair of opposite-sex twins who were named Lijo and Liji just because their parents were Lily and Joseph. The Baby family was certainly quite known around the town. With Mr. Baby philip being a government servant employed in the office of the District Agricultural Officer, he hardly had to step out of his house. The number of Bandhs, Hartals and Leaves always summed upto over 300 days. His occasional visit to office was more to bring home the farming goods that were unnecarrily stocked at his office. Hence he had the time and resource to turn the few acres of his inherited family estate into a haven of pepper and coffee. His brother had his own business going in the Gulf (it was widely believed that he had the largest chain of Tea Shops in Jeddah alone) and had managed to smuggle in quite a few Akai products. Like all rich men Baby Philip was quite well known and this made life for the family quite comfortable. Vinny Baby grew as the darling of the house. Most of the days were spent playing Hopscotch with friends. Watching her brothers climb coconut trees and designing colorful Lungis for her dad were among the favorite past times. She loved school but hardly manage to attend any. Schools never opened during monsoons for fear of the thatched roof collapsing and then there were always enough reasons for teachers to close shop on those rare occassions when it did not rain. However Vinny did spend a sizeable part of her childhood in Sunday Schools. The family being orthodox syrian catholics; church formed a major part of her Sunday life and the rest of the day was spent feasting over various marine and land animals deep fried in coconut oil and garnished with grated coconut.

Venkatapuru Appa Reddy also was born on a Thursday but in the sunny plateaus of Krishna district. His parents welcomed their bundle of joy by offering eleven full grown sheep to their family deity, even as the kid’s maternal uncles had just chopped off the hands of four of their rival caste men. It had certainly taken quite a while for them to have their first kid and knowing that he could be the only one, they decided quite instantly to shower all they had on this little one. The little one however grew quite fast and before they knew was already turning out to be a plumpy pampered pest. Naming the child had certainly taken some deliberation, not just among the different members of the maternal and paternal family but also among their favorite astrologers. A good two years went this way and the name Appa was finally decided probably due to the fact that this was the first word the kid had blurted out. Appa grew up on continuous learning of naxal killings and feudal war fares. This was supplemented with loads of parental love (in the form of the finest ghee and butter) being part of his daily quota of truckloads of rice, sambar and the hottest of mango pickles. He also was a very fast learner. By the age of nine he could recite all of Chiranjeevi’s dialogues by heart. He also knew the complete vital statistics of every single heroine in the Telegu film industry. He very soon learnt to single handedly take care of the family’s large Ganja farm. Climbing down the house’ well (in the walls of which all the cash was stashed away) and brewing home made hooch was among his favorite hobbies. By the age of 13 he also knew that his rich cousin’s new born girl was to be his future wife. Though studies was the last thing in his mind Appa was very smart and had soon realized that his movie heroes got to use automatic self loading weapons to kill their city based villains but had to make do with sickles and knives in the villages. Soon he set his sight on moving out of his tiny hamlet to Hyderabad not just to have a better living but to experience the pleasure of killing people with guns as he had been sick of chopping people with swords.

Vinny Baby grew to become a fine young lady. The gallons of Coconut oil that went into her hair everyday gave her long tresses that accentuated her looks. Her brothers on the other hand also had done decently well for themselves. One held the state record for the fastest coconut tree climbing championship. The other was doing a thesis on making country bombs at home. And the third was already renowned as the fastest growing tea shop magnate in Sharjah. Though as a kid Vinny wanted to be the next PT Usha or Shiny Wilson, she soon realized that like all good Christian Malayalees she had to serve mankind by becoming a nurse. The fact that some of her friends did not join her in her endeavor was quite disappointing though. They preferred to marry the most eligible of the gulf based bachelors around, have children with them and serve the husband’s family while their husbands worked in the oil fields of the sheikhs. Moving the apple of their eye to a nursing school in Mysore was the last thing in her parents mind. But with his wife giving indicators that she would love to send Vinny to a missionary to serve the good lord, Baby Philip instantly decided that being a nurse in faraway Canada was definitely a better bet than being a nun at a seminary nearby. Life in the fast lane could not have been more trying for poor Vinny. College life was absolutely atrocious. When boys called her babes, she could never tell if they were calling her by name or making a pass. They also constantly mocked at her funny way of speaking English. But then she offered them some Banana Chips and all of them became her best friends. The years passed quickly and Vinny soon passed out as an excellent nurse. The only unhappiness was when she could not go to the US and had to settle in a super specialty hospital in Chandigarh.

Appa Reddy got admission into a well renowned Medical college in Hyderabad. Though he neither had the aptitude to do medicine nor the marks to get through the entrance exams, his childhood passion for the city life forced his parents to get him admitted after paying huge donations. His rather rich cousin had decided to completely sponsor his education. After all his daughter was growing pretty fast and the prospects of having a doctor son-in-law was obviously worth more than a few lakhs. The first lesson Appa learnt in the city was that he had the most gauche name in the entire world. If it wasn’t for the lessons on Indian culture that he learnt at school, he had even contemplated suing his parents for giving him this tacky a name. He even realized that unlike movies people in Hyderabad never got to shoot people with guns and hence was forced to continue using knives, this time however at the operating table. Appa loved college and spent more time in class than any of his other colleagues. Infact he ended up spending a full 4 years more at college than his first class mate. While at college he also got to know that his teenaged niece who was to be his future wife was chopped to death by her own father as she had dared to fall in love with a tribal. He did not care to find about the tribal boy’s fate, but was quite pleased to know that the fiancée’s death meant he was single again. In the meanwhile he spent a lot of time learning about medicine and realized it was in the best interest of the people that some other doctor did the healing. So he decided to use a sizeable part of his dad’s wealth to build his own super specialty hospital. And since most of Andhra was already filled with hospitals, he decided to tap the north Indian market. And thus started Reddy’s Super Specialty at Chandigarh.

Chandigarh had suddenly bloomed in mid December. Like straight out of a fairy tale a nurse was marrying the managing director of the hospital. It was love at first sight when Appa had met Vinny. Appa had caught flu and the best nurse of his hospital was summoned to give him a shot of an anti-viral drug. The injection Vinny gave Appa was the sweetest he had ever received in his life and soon love blossomed. After a brief courtship they married. Family opinion was thrashed. Though initially reluctant both families gave way. Baby Philip was only unhappy that she had not married an NRI. Appa’s father had lesser problems. Only he did not know enough of kerala. His only knowledge of God’s own country was that good porn movies were made there and he himself had spoilt his sleep on a few Saturday nights to experience them. Soon there was a new born in the family and like everyone else he too started growing fast. He was naughtier than anyone else though and when angry used to call his dad by his first name. However he always managed to get away with it as everyone though that the kid was only addressing his dad by the south Indian linguistic equivalent of the term ‘Dad’. Naming him almost led to a communal battle and after a lot of consideration he was given the perfect name. It was the ideal example of non-communalism and to give it a dose of national integration the kid was always made to wear a Sikh turban. Thus was born the turban clad Robert Raj Rahi. More on him some other time......


Epilogue: Please do not try to see reason in the above story. The purpose was neither to redeem any character nor to bring out a moral from the story. The reason the above piece of writing was posted are a few-
1. I had received comments on my previous post that I have to stop writing only about corporate politics and look at something different.
2. A very well renowned fellow blogger Sidin Vadakut, has been turning out to be among my biggest inspiration for writing. The above style of writing has been influenced by his posts.
3. Though the characters are completely fictitious, some of the names, family details and backgrounds are inspired by some people I have known in life.
4. Finally and most importantly – I have been writing only for a couple of weeks now and have written not more than 4 posts. I’m sincerely trying to imbibe a style of writing and humor is something that I’m endeavoring to achieve.
Since it’s an ambition to start writing short stories, I decided that I needed a start irrespective of how good or how long the start is. Thus this post was born. Comments and Critiques on the above story, it’s style and anything else is very much appreciated and would certainly help me do better.......

Le Magnificent Pink

It definitely is one of the cutest among its breed. It comes in a variety of hues & tones and has prefixes as diverse as BABY and DUSTY. Your face turns this when you blush. A series of movies were made with its name. We even have a pop star being its namesake. But most dreadful of all is when it’s used with reference to a slip. Yes, Ladies and gentlemen we are talking about the color PINK and the one term that takes away all the sheen associated with it – ‘THE PINK SLIP’.

For most of us regulars, the term in general came into notoriety with a slew of Yankees complaining, crying, agitating, threatening and what not; as they bitterly spoke about being pink-slipped, to facilitate the out sourcing of jobs to all the third world ‘Cyber Coolies’, who had very happily agreed to do their job for a lot lesser price. Though we had enough reasons to cheer at the thought of getting to bite into a rather large chunk of the American Pie; little did we realize that the influx of the American life also brought with it all aspects of their work culture and processes.....

And then as more Indian companies tried to pursue the western managerial practices, ‘getting shown the door’ become an everyday affair, without sparing even those places where the thought of a layoff had earlier brought with it scares of ‘Trade Union trouble‘ and ‘Strikes’. I bet Jack Welch would never have dreamt that his "Vitality Curve" preaching the 20:70:10 ratio would eventually earn this religious a following.
For those yet to be introduced to the harsh reality of a vitality curve; the managers at GE had to promote the top 20% of their people each year, they got to keep 70%, but they had to terminate the bottom 10%. This exercise was to be followed every year.
However this policy had certain negative aspects; for instance, even if a manager finds that all employees in his department have performed above par, he had to still follow the 20:70:10 ratio so that 10 per cent of the total staff can be asked to quit. Else it reflected as the manager’s inability to carry various tasks – decision making, detailed analysis, separation of personal opinion from professional, to just name a few..... I’m sure this aspect of the vitality curve has been debated and discussed enough by people of superior authority. But to add my bit to it, the fact that certain decisions are taken based on the relative performance of an individual and not his absolute contribution, shows total insensitivity towards the employee.

But since we are not talking about GE or its policy and to avoid the digression that more often than not happens with my posts; let me get back to what we started with – ‘the pink slip’. Whether we call it ‘discharge’, ‘dismissal’, ‘layoff’ or the more ingenious ‘the sack’, ‘the axe’, ‘the boot’ - The art of ‘forcibly dismissing a person from rendering his services to the company’ has definitely evolved over the ages. How else could we explain the need to have at least two dozen well known phrases meaning the same thing? What we know for sure though, is that no known company has ever handed anybody an actual pink slip; then why pray have yet another name for something that can be told in loads of other forms.
To soften the blow I guess.....
Why not???
After all Pink definitely gives the soothing appeal to this mean act.....

So how do we know if we are also a part of the dreaded list that would eventually find its way to the HR team? Let me confess; though I have never been done in yet, I have kept my senses open enough, to know a few indicators. Sample some–

Method 1: Read between your boss’ lines.
Regardless of what he eventually says, your boss definitely gets to know things a lot before you would. Beware of these statements from your boss-

1) Boss: Hey Sharath, did you know that ABC corp. is starting their new centre in Richmond road - I think you definitely need to give it a try – your profile would suit their requirement pretty well (Boss means: that’s because your profile no longer matches the requirement here).

2) Boss: Sharath, I think you need to take a break for a few days– I would like to see how well your team does in your absence (Boss means: I would definitely like to see how much of value addition you create - if your team can still continue to deliver in your absence, then you are worth zilch).

3) Boss: Though you are due for an appraisal this week, I think I will defer it for another month or two (Boss means: that way I can save a lot of my effort and time – why an appraisal when you are already on your way out).

4) Boss: Sharath, didn’t you tell me last week that you were planning to buy a car. I guess you should put it off till the next month. This month is not very auspicious (Boss means: why car when you would just be sitting all day at home – serves you right anyways, planning to buy a car when I still have a stupid bike).

Method 2: People digging past graves.
It is a certain fact that there never is enough reason to give you the sack, based just on your immediate performance. And that’s when your history is dug. So beware if people start asking you to submit all files of your previous accounts or question you about your performances over the last year or two. It's a definite indicator of the beginning of your end.....

Method 3: Search for signs of animosity from your superiors.
Nobody wants to be associated with a loser. So when all the senior personnel in your office suddenly starts distancing from you; be assured that it is a clear indicator of them knowing that you are on your way out and that they no longer want to have any personal ties with you.

Method 4: Befriend the HR guys.
Though they have appeared absolutely avoidable right from day one (think HR and the first thing that you remember, is the thousands of forms that they made you fill-up, on the pretext of 'joining formalities'), it definitely is a wise ploy to have friends among their breed. Firstly, they can help you with complete information of movement (in & out) across all levels. Then they could let you know of openings in other departments, which you should grab to avoid the urgent crisis at hand. And most importantly, they often know of immediate requirements in other companies and could push your name through their fellow beings at that place.

These are just a few but powerful indicators to let you know when you are breathing your last. So if you get any such indicators, you better know that you are due to recieve the final handshake (and it's certainly not golden). Next time, I will probably write on ways to ensure you never become a part of this dreaded list in the first place; but till then just follow my word and hope you never have a red lettered day at office- after all red is certainly quite close to Pink.....

On Goals and Targets.......

Lakshya! The Word is Lakshya....Though it’s been quite a while since promos of this movie has been doing the rounds; a series of inevitable events that occurred at work over the past couple of days, has made me look away from the ‘Bird Nest’ hairdo on ‘Pretty’ Preity’s face and reflect a lot more seriously on what Lady Zinta keeps unrelentingly blabbering on the marquee. Yes, Ladies & Gentlemen it’s time for Goal setting or as Roshan Junior is explained in the movie, it’s time to have our ‘L’ word in place.

As the new boss opened the weekly review meeting with a rather poker-faced query on the tasks given for the team to do over the week, it didn’t require any stupendous memory skills to recollect the requisite, but then considering the pin-drop silence prevailing in the room and of course my innate ability to dig graves for personal use; “You asked us to set quarterly targets and goals”, I blurt out with some assistance from an equally able colleague. At the moment if somebody had said that Foot and(in) Mouth was not found in India, I would advocate nothing less than Capital Punishment to that moron.

The meeting nevertheless progressed (with a stern warning of course – on the dire consequences of a repeat act), onto a lot more things that deserved instant priority; what needed my immediate attention though, was this 4 letter word called Goal (definitely with a capital G); I certainly ended up slogging my brain for the rest of the day and night in trying to understand what would be the goals and targets of the vast billions that adore this blessed planet.

It’s a definite truth that no man (or Woman) is absolutely aimless in life. We all know what we need in life. Yes the fact remains that sometimes we don’t know how to get there. Sometimes we might not know how much we want. Some other times we might not even want anything substantial enough. But unarguably we would all want to have a good life (the degree of ‘good’ depends on the ambition levels), with enough goodies to boast of a sound personal wealth. And yes most importantly as the age old adage goes, we all want to be Healthy, Wealthy and Wise.

But with most corporate Honchos talking in lengths only about setting aggressive and measurable targets, I’m just a tad bothered by the fact that we are all getting a bit too deeply absorbed into the ever ominous rat race. Though I’m neither qualified nor experienced enough to philosophize the basic requisite of a corporate life – which is to compete and do it fiercely – the fact that these ever ambitious goals take away a decent part of the quality of an individual’s life is certainly an insight worth remembering. I’m sure there are enough Devil’s Advocates claiming that this is what distinctly marks the Gates, Dells and even our own Ambanis, apart from the rest of Gods lesser children. But then how in heavens name can we explain the fact that these are the very guys who ensure that they lead a life of the highest quality while their Super-Managers break their heads setting targets (and passing it onto their Subordinates) and more importantly trying to achieve them.

Trust me; I have nothing against these Business tycoons. In fact I idolize them and admire their sheer courage in going all out to build their vast empire (sometimes definitely on others graves) – But the fact still remains that these are the only set of people who are ensured achievement of all their personal goals and targets in life just because some of their managers are breaking their backs at achieving them. So what happens is a simple case of a large mass of Individuals ensuring all personal targets of their bosses are met, while they go all out meeting their professional targets. It is not very difficult to realize who ends up being Healthy, Wealthy and Wise.

Now don’t consider me to be one having a communist ideology. In fact I’m very much pro-capitalism and ‘am seriously contemplating into getting onto an entrepreneurial venture sometime very soon. And considering that the whole world is looking towards us as the home of the services industry, services is definitely what I would provide. Yes people I have decided to become a Super Cool Goal Setter.....

Aimless Drifter (AD): Hello sir, my wife always says that I have no goals in life. Can you please help?
Super Cool Goal Setter (SCGS): Of course Aimless Drifter. That’s why I’m here. But first let me ask you a question. What do you want in life?
AD: Well, not much – just to live life the way it comes.
SCGS: No, No.. That’s going without setting a direction. Think of something you want to end up with.
AD: Well I think that I would want to end up pretty well off with a good family.
SCGS: Wrong again. There is nothing Tangible in it. Think of something that can be measured.
AD: OK, how about 10 Lakh rupees with a wife and a couple of kids.
SCGS: No your targets are way too low. Increase it by a couple of folds and also change the rupees to US Dollars.
AD: Why more wives and more certainly why dollars. I thought anything foreign was not allowed.
SCGS: You will be termed a loser if your targets are low. And unless you start thinking in US Dollars, nobody will care about what you are. Moreover foreign is allowed as long as it is not the Italian Lira.
AD: So can I make it 5 million Dollars with 5 wives and 10 kids.
SCGS: Perfect.
AD: Thank you Sir, My wife would definitely be very happy now that I have Goals in life.
SCGS: Yes of course. All you have to do now is divide it into yearly, quarterly and monthly targets and you will be on your way. And yes before you go my fees are 5% of your goals....

Just imagine the killing I could make in the form of fees charged for my exceptional counsel. With the definite assumption that there would be nothing less than a few hundred million Aimless Drifters in this world, I would not only be able to set outstanding Goals for myself but also achieve it with immense ease. All I have to now worry about is to get hold of a good way to advertise myself far and wide and ensure my services are heard about even in the remotest corner of Timbuktu. Any advises.....Ensure it is passed on to me.....A free counsel guaranteed for accepted suggestions.

As I licked my lips in anticipation of the immense wealth I would earn, I just couldn’t help shout GOOOOOOOAAAAAAL. Only this time it was a cheer for Wayne Rooney’s excellent kick past Croatian goal keeper Butina, as England romped home into the Quarters.... At least somebody had met with their immediate Goals....