Be Boss or Be Bossed

There once was this smart crow, well renowned throughout the jungle for being an absolute lazy bum. He did nothing but sit on top of a tree and watch life pass by. A rabbit who aspired to do something similar approached the crow and sought advice. Though the crow was amused by a bunny looking up to him as a role model, he in all earnestness asked the rabbit to follow his lead. “Just sit like me the whole day and do nothing but watch things happen around” said the bird. The rabbit did the same, but only to quickly catch the attention of a fox passing by, who devoured the poor thing and thanked fate for giving him a free meal. Now Aesop and the Panchatantra could extract quite a few morals from this story. But modern day life preaches just one moral – ‘If you want to work in an organization and do nothing the whole day, you better be at the top’. This is one story I say with great zeal whenever I’m in a mood to ridicule my boss. It’s just not me. I see this happening everywhere. Making fun of our bosses is turning out to be our favorite past time at work. We just love doing it.

So why this huge discrimination against the Boss? Is the Boss really that mean a person? Well, we all know that the answer is a big no.
The Boss is just another person among us, but having reached wherever he has due to those additional few fate lines on his forehead.
The Boss is just like any of us afflicted with problems, but empowered with the liberty to call for extensive meetings and brainstorming sessions to make others get solutions to his problems.
The Boss is just another ordinary mortal prone to making mistakes, but bound to blame circumstances or somebody else for these mistakes.
The Boss is just like any one of us, having the need to do some serious work once in a while, but with the power to get his work done by somebody else.
The Boss is just another individual who would advice people to experiment and innovate at work, but would make life hell if the attempted experiment were to fail.
The Boss is after all the Boss. There’s always a different set of rules for him. But do all these shortcomings make the Boss a less important person? No way!!! Without him, there would be no motivation for us to get up the ladder and inflict the same torture we had suffered, onto people working below us.

It’s generally said that there are only two definite ways of getting to the top. Either play golf with the Boss or marry the Boss’s daughter. But for the millions like us where one option is closed and the other option is too expensive, there’s only one way. SLOGGING your ass off. And quite unfortunately that is the most difficult path possible. So how do we ensure we are that someone different, who can get ahead of all our equally good competitors. The secret lies in the way we work with the Boss. Working with the Boss is something that is hardly taught to anyone. Infact nobody even cares to believe that we need to work differently with them. We come across terms such as Client relations, Customer relations, Vendor relations and Employee relations but what about Boss relations. Don’t we have to learn how to work with the Boss? After all, the Boss is the one deciding who among you and your lousy colleagues get that all important Business Project. The Boss is the one deciding who would go on that dream on-job training trip abroad. The Boss is the one deciding how much fatter your wallet can become after your appraisal. And most importantly the Boss is the one signing that crucial paper, which dictates if you would move into a bigger cabin or stay in that same old seat for another year. So make no mistakes, you need to keep your Boss in all the right books. And how would you do it???

Here are a few tested methods of ensuring good Boss Relations.

1.Call for meetings:
Meetings are surely the best form of stress relievers. During a meeting you get to meet people, draw stupid charts on the board, make an equally stupid presentation, get others to give solutions to your problems and most importantly have free coffee and biscuits. All this during company time!!!! The Boss always does it, so why not you. Just make sure the he is aware that it was ‘you’ who called for the meeting. Avoid including the Boss, but ensure he feels that he was left out because you value his precious time and did not want him to waste it on something you could handle yourself. So the next time, you feel lonely or not in a mood to make certain decisions yourself, send a mail to all the department heads (copy the boss on it) calling them for a meeting. Do this a couple of times and you would see your scores racing up in the Boss’ books.

2.Put in more hours than your Boss:
There generally are two kinds of Bosses. The one, who works lesser than you and claims credit for having everything still in control. And the other who works more than you, leaving you puzzled, as to what he actually does in his cabin throughout the day. Regardless of what kind of a boss you have, one way to get noticed is to work more than him and make sure he is aware of this fact. The secret lies in knowing his work style and timings. Once you know it, make sure you get into your seat 5 minutes before his schedule. And ensure you leave the office not before 5 minutes since he leaves. But this alone does not help. You need to keep reminding him atleast once a day that you have been spending long hours at work. Some good statements to use would be –
“Sir, since I’m anyways spending 18 hours at office, you should probably let me move into an unused room in the basement”.
“Sir, my girl friends says I probably have an affair at office. I rarely go out of the office these days”.
“Sir, I have decided to stay at home this Sunday. It’s been ages since I spent more than a couple of hours at home”.
“Sir, I have lost a lot of weight. With all this work that I’m doing, I rarely get time to eat anything”.
Keep doing this for sometime and the Boss might just start feeling guilty that he is doing only 10% of work.

3.Play busy
It’s very important for your Boss to feel that you are always doing some thing productive. The most common paradox is that your Boss always takes a break when you do. He sees you in the cafeteria and thinks “Hey I always find this guy in the cafeteria. I guess he is not loaded with enough work”. But on the other hand, if you make sure you time your break well and go to the cafeteria when he is in his seat, then the other extreme happens. He suddenly feels your need and tries to contact you. On knowing that you have gone for a break, he decides “Hey this guy is never around whenever I need him. He is always in the cafeteria taking a break”. So it’s very important to make yourself appear busy. Here are a few simple situations you can create at work, to ensure your Boss thinks you are the Super-Productive Dude.

Situation 1
Sit in front of your PC with an Excel sheet on it. Fill it up with random numbers. If you can’t think of enough numbers to fill the sheet with, use the random function available with excel. To make the screen look better you can even generate a variety of graphs and put it all up. The next time you see the Boss approaching you; just keep staring at the screen. The Boss would think that a great analytical mind is at work and would go back to his seat.

Situation 2
If you have a printer next to your PC, get it moved away as far as possible. Run up and down to the printer atleast once an hour. Plan your route in such a way that you run right in front of the Boss’ cabin and he notices you running around. To enhance the effect, you could hold a lot of papers (even if they are blank) and appear to be seriously reading them when you are moving about.

Situation 3
Whenever you are in a mood to gossip with your boys, just do it in a corner of the production floor, where the Boss can see you guys huddled together.
Super productive dude (SPD): “Hey Macha, who did you say that the chinki girl was going around with, these days”.
The boss seeing you in a group and thinking you are just whiling time comes to you.
Boss: “SPD, if you are not doing anything urgent, can we sit for a couple of minutes”.
SPD: “Sir could you give me some time. I was just having an informal meeting with these guys and checking their strategy to implement some of the best practices we have had during the last few production cycles”
Boss: “oh yes! certainly. You can take your time. Mine was not anything serious.
The Boss leaves deciding to never again interrupt any of your informal meetings.
SPD: “So Macha, which guy did you say.....”

Situation 4
Whenever you need to call home, just hold a piece of paper with some excel-generated graphs on it. Stare at this sheet with a very serious expression on you face.
SPD: “Hey Mom, how is uncle’s fever. Has the temperature come down”.
Suddenly the boss comes in.
Boss: “SPD, can I have a word with you on the last week’s performance”
SPD (as serious as ever): “Sir, I was just speaking to this client on how we could mutually ensure that there is a lot more transparency in the reporting structure that we currently follow. I’m sure with whatever I have suggested the net revenue realization would increase by atleast 20%. This would mean more profits. I’m trying to drive this point into him. If you can give me 10 minutes I will finish the call and join you”.
Boss (looking completely dazed): No, No! It’s OK. Please take your time and finish the call. We can have our chat some other time.
The Boss leaves wondering what was just told.
SPD: “So Mom, you were saying.....”

Appear Busy for a few weeks and the Boss will ask HR to do anything it takes, to keep you in the system.

4.Play with emotions
Though it’s not very masculine to cry in front of people, crying in front of your Boss might just help. Similarly sending emotional messages to your Boss and later claiming that you were drunk and didn’t remember doing anything also makes a good impact. Send text messages to the Boss saying, “Sir I value everything you have taught me all these days”, “ Sir I consider you as my god-father in this profession”, “Sir I could have never reached wherever I have without you”. The next day go up to him and say, “Sir, last night I remember sending you some messages, but I was completely drunk and don’t remember what the messages were. Please forgive me if I have done anything foolish” Also cry silently, if possible..... The Boss will just smile and fall head over heals for your innocence. Thank him for understanding you this well and get back to your seat. Just make sure the bottle of glycerin in your pocket is hidden well.....

5.Make friends with the HR boss
This one is the most effective technique. The HR boss is the second most important person after your own boss. Most Bosses consult the HR to make certain decisions on who goes ‘up’ fast and ‘out’ even faster. Whether the HR actually spends quality time with an employee or not, it is believed and required that they know every employee of the organization on a personal level. And any inputs given by the HR to the Boss, adds a lot of weight on your personal profile. So take initiative, go to HR, spend time socializing with them and occasionally take the HR boss out for coffee. Keep doing this regularly and even before you realize, you might just get that promotion that somebody else deserved.

These are just some of the techniques that could give you that all important push up the ladder. Master these techniques well and very soon you will see the Boss going up to the HR, canceling the manpower indent for a Vice-President, and discussing your name for an out of turn promotion with the directors.

Another infamously funny story about Bosses goes this way; corporate life is just like a tree full of monkeys. The monkey on top looks down and sees loads of monkeys struggling to climb up, while the monkey at the bottom looks up and sees a lot of ass holes. The story sounds true both in the figurative and literary sense. But then ass hole or not, I’m sure it’s certainly a lot more fun on the top. So let’s give a damn to these story tellers and ensure our ass is on top of somebody else’s head, than vice-versa.

Le Magnificent Pink

It definitely is one of the cutest among its breed. It comes in a variety of hues & tones and has prefixes as diverse as BABY and DUSTY. Your face turns this when you blush. A series of movies were made with its name. We even have a pop star being its namesake. But most dreadful of all is when it’s used with reference to a slip. Yes, Ladies and gentlemen we are talking about the color PINK and the one term that takes away all the sheen associated with it – ‘THE PINK SLIP’.

For most of us regulars, the term in general came into notoriety with a slew of Yankees complaining, crying, agitating, threatening and what not; as they bitterly spoke about being pink-slipped, to facilitate the out sourcing of jobs to all the third world ‘Cyber Coolies’, who had very happily agreed to do their job for a lot lesser price. Though we had enough reasons to cheer at the thought of getting to bite into a rather large chunk of the American Pie; little did we realize that the influx of the American life also brought with it all aspects of their work culture and processes.....

And then as more Indian companies tried to pursue the western managerial practices, ‘getting shown the door’ become an everyday affair, without sparing even those places where the thought of a layoff had earlier brought with it scares of ‘Trade Union trouble‘ and ‘Strikes’. I bet Jack Welch would never have dreamt that his "Vitality Curve" preaching the 20:70:10 ratio would eventually earn this religious a following.
For those yet to be introduced to the harsh reality of a vitality curve; the managers at GE had to promote the top 20% of their people each year, they got to keep 70%, but they had to terminate the bottom 10%. This exercise was to be followed every year.
However this policy had certain negative aspects; for instance, even if a manager finds that all employees in his department have performed above par, he had to still follow the 20:70:10 ratio so that 10 per cent of the total staff can be asked to quit. Else it reflected as the manager’s inability to carry various tasks – decision making, detailed analysis, separation of personal opinion from professional, to just name a few..... I’m sure this aspect of the vitality curve has been debated and discussed enough by people of superior authority. But to add my bit to it, the fact that certain decisions are taken based on the relative performance of an individual and not his absolute contribution, shows total insensitivity towards the employee.

But since we are not talking about GE or its policy and to avoid the digression that more often than not happens with my posts; let me get back to what we started with – ‘the pink slip’. Whether we call it ‘discharge’, ‘dismissal’, ‘layoff’ or the more ingenious ‘the sack’, ‘the axe’, ‘the boot’ - The art of ‘forcibly dismissing a person from rendering his services to the company’ has definitely evolved over the ages. How else could we explain the need to have at least two dozen well known phrases meaning the same thing? What we know for sure though, is that no known company has ever handed anybody an actual pink slip; then why pray have yet another name for something that can be told in loads of other forms.
To soften the blow I guess.....
Why not???
After all Pink definitely gives the soothing appeal to this mean act.....

So how do we know if we are also a part of the dreaded list that would eventually find its way to the HR team? Let me confess; though I have never been done in yet, I have kept my senses open enough, to know a few indicators. Sample some–

Method 1: Read between your boss’ lines.
Regardless of what he eventually says, your boss definitely gets to know things a lot before you would. Beware of these statements from your boss-

1) Boss: Hey Sharath, did you know that ABC corp. is starting their new centre in Richmond road - I think you definitely need to give it a try – your profile would suit their requirement pretty well (Boss means: that’s because your profile no longer matches the requirement here).

2) Boss: Sharath, I think you need to take a break for a few days– I would like to see how well your team does in your absence (Boss means: I would definitely like to see how much of value addition you create - if your team can still continue to deliver in your absence, then you are worth zilch).

3) Boss: Though you are due for an appraisal this week, I think I will defer it for another month or two (Boss means: that way I can save a lot of my effort and time – why an appraisal when you are already on your way out).

4) Boss: Sharath, didn’t you tell me last week that you were planning to buy a car. I guess you should put it off till the next month. This month is not very auspicious (Boss means: why car when you would just be sitting all day at home – serves you right anyways, planning to buy a car when I still have a stupid bike).

Method 2: People digging past graves.
It is a certain fact that there never is enough reason to give you the sack, based just on your immediate performance. And that’s when your history is dug. So beware if people start asking you to submit all files of your previous accounts or question you about your performances over the last year or two. It's a definite indicator of the beginning of your end.....

Method 3: Search for signs of animosity from your superiors.
Nobody wants to be associated with a loser. So when all the senior personnel in your office suddenly starts distancing from you; be assured that it is a clear indicator of them knowing that you are on your way out and that they no longer want to have any personal ties with you.

Method 4: Befriend the HR guys.
Though they have appeared absolutely avoidable right from day one (think HR and the first thing that you remember, is the thousands of forms that they made you fill-up, on the pretext of 'joining formalities'), it definitely is a wise ploy to have friends among their breed. Firstly, they can help you with complete information of movement (in & out) across all levels. Then they could let you know of openings in other departments, which you should grab to avoid the urgent crisis at hand. And most importantly, they often know of immediate requirements in other companies and could push your name through their fellow beings at that place.

These are just a few but powerful indicators to let you know when you are breathing your last. So if you get any such indicators, you better know that you are due to recieve the final handshake (and it's certainly not golden). Next time, I will probably write on ways to ensure you never become a part of this dreaded list in the first place; but till then just follow my word and hope you never have a red lettered day at office- after all red is certainly quite close to Pink.....

On Goals and Targets.......

Lakshya! The Word is Lakshya....Though it’s been quite a while since promos of this movie has been doing the rounds; a series of inevitable events that occurred at work over the past couple of days, has made me look away from the ‘Bird Nest’ hairdo on ‘Pretty’ Preity’s face and reflect a lot more seriously on what Lady Zinta keeps unrelentingly blabbering on the marquee. Yes, Ladies & Gentlemen it’s time for Goal setting or as Roshan Junior is explained in the movie, it’s time to have our ‘L’ word in place.

As the new boss opened the weekly review meeting with a rather poker-faced query on the tasks given for the team to do over the week, it didn’t require any stupendous memory skills to recollect the requisite, but then considering the pin-drop silence prevailing in the room and of course my innate ability to dig graves for personal use; “You asked us to set quarterly targets and goals”, I blurt out with some assistance from an equally able colleague. At the moment if somebody had said that Foot and(in) Mouth was not found in India, I would advocate nothing less than Capital Punishment to that moron.

The meeting nevertheless progressed (with a stern warning of course – on the dire consequences of a repeat act), onto a lot more things that deserved instant priority; what needed my immediate attention though, was this 4 letter word called Goal (definitely with a capital G); I certainly ended up slogging my brain for the rest of the day and night in trying to understand what would be the goals and targets of the vast billions that adore this blessed planet.

It’s a definite truth that no man (or Woman) is absolutely aimless in life. We all know what we need in life. Yes the fact remains that sometimes we don’t know how to get there. Sometimes we might not know how much we want. Some other times we might not even want anything substantial enough. But unarguably we would all want to have a good life (the degree of ‘good’ depends on the ambition levels), with enough goodies to boast of a sound personal wealth. And yes most importantly as the age old adage goes, we all want to be Healthy, Wealthy and Wise.

But with most corporate Honchos talking in lengths only about setting aggressive and measurable targets, I’m just a tad bothered by the fact that we are all getting a bit too deeply absorbed into the ever ominous rat race. Though I’m neither qualified nor experienced enough to philosophize the basic requisite of a corporate life – which is to compete and do it fiercely – the fact that these ever ambitious goals take away a decent part of the quality of an individual’s life is certainly an insight worth remembering. I’m sure there are enough Devil’s Advocates claiming that this is what distinctly marks the Gates, Dells and even our own Ambanis, apart from the rest of Gods lesser children. But then how in heavens name can we explain the fact that these are the very guys who ensure that they lead a life of the highest quality while their Super-Managers break their heads setting targets (and passing it onto their Subordinates) and more importantly trying to achieve them.

Trust me; I have nothing against these Business tycoons. In fact I idolize them and admire their sheer courage in going all out to build their vast empire (sometimes definitely on others graves) – But the fact still remains that these are the only set of people who are ensured achievement of all their personal goals and targets in life just because some of their managers are breaking their backs at achieving them. So what happens is a simple case of a large mass of Individuals ensuring all personal targets of their bosses are met, while they go all out meeting their professional targets. It is not very difficult to realize who ends up being Healthy, Wealthy and Wise.

Now don’t consider me to be one having a communist ideology. In fact I’m very much pro-capitalism and ‘am seriously contemplating into getting onto an entrepreneurial venture sometime very soon. And considering that the whole world is looking towards us as the home of the services industry, services is definitely what I would provide. Yes people I have decided to become a Super Cool Goal Setter.....

Aimless Drifter (AD): Hello sir, my wife always says that I have no goals in life. Can you please help?
Super Cool Goal Setter (SCGS): Of course Aimless Drifter. That’s why I’m here. But first let me ask you a question. What do you want in life?
AD: Well, not much – just to live life the way it comes.
SCGS: No, No.. That’s going without setting a direction. Think of something you want to end up with.
AD: Well I think that I would want to end up pretty well off with a good family.
SCGS: Wrong again. There is nothing Tangible in it. Think of something that can be measured.
AD: OK, how about 10 Lakh rupees with a wife and a couple of kids.
SCGS: No your targets are way too low. Increase it by a couple of folds and also change the rupees to US Dollars.
AD: Why more wives and more certainly why dollars. I thought anything foreign was not allowed.
SCGS: You will be termed a loser if your targets are low. And unless you start thinking in US Dollars, nobody will care about what you are. Moreover foreign is allowed as long as it is not the Italian Lira.
AD: So can I make it 5 million Dollars with 5 wives and 10 kids.
SCGS: Perfect.
AD: Thank you Sir, My wife would definitely be very happy now that I have Goals in life.
SCGS: Yes of course. All you have to do now is divide it into yearly, quarterly and monthly targets and you will be on your way. And yes before you go my fees are 5% of your goals....

Just imagine the killing I could make in the form of fees charged for my exceptional counsel. With the definite assumption that there would be nothing less than a few hundred million Aimless Drifters in this world, I would not only be able to set outstanding Goals for myself but also achieve it with immense ease. All I have to now worry about is to get hold of a good way to advertise myself far and wide and ensure my services are heard about even in the remotest corner of Timbuktu. Any advises.....Ensure it is passed on to me.....A free counsel guaranteed for accepted suggestions.

As I licked my lips in anticipation of the immense wealth I would earn, I just couldn’t help shout GOOOOOOOAAAAAAL. Only this time it was a cheer for Wayne Rooney’s excellent kick past Croatian goal keeper Butina, as England romped home into the Quarters.... At least somebody had met with their immediate Goals....